The art of Nothingness

• Posted on September 26, 2009 at 6:28 pm

I really miss free blogging. I used to do that more frequently. However, now that I write more for work, it seems my hobby has lost it’s time to be just what it is. I think it’s important to remember the little things that make you happy. Like for instance for me, it used to be coffee and Saturday morning blogging on my bed, with the curtains wide open to the sun and the trees. The birds used to gather there and I would be just the happiest ‘veg head’ on Saturday mornings doing exactly this. Now, live has moved on, a ring has found my middle finger and my reading and writing life has only added up to work.
I was thinking about this for some reason all week. I kept trying to remember why my fingers stopped finding meaning in the idle chatter of my thoughts. I had much more alone time in the past. I guess I was a bit reclusive and one does not realize that sort of thing until life becomes full to the brim.
Now my life has become my writing, my paper, my husband, my Jackson and there is no more room for those glorious dull moments where you are looking for things to do on a Saturday.
I remember when I lived in these cabins in Studio City in L.A., I had moments like these…I think I took roller blading, running and watching CMT country videos and watching old movies in my spare time. I had all of these wonderful friends in LA. I pursued acting, and I had these agents and stuff, and what fun it all was back then. Before cell phones, before the Internet had taken off…I remember attending my U.C.L.A. writing classes and most of the students did not have computers then. The Brother word processor was the hot ticket. And, if you wanted your book to be considered by a publisher, you had to mail the bulk 400 pages in a big cardboard box, with a self addressed envelope. Now everything is fast, technology, and to sit on a Saturday with the sun blazing hot outside my window is just what I need to do today.
The air is quiet. I can hear Jackson playing his WII. I hear the thoughts of days gone past. What’s funny about life is there is a tendency to always want what you do not have. I feel with age I have truly figured out how to be in the moment and just be only that. “Who we are now and all we ever be, is this moment right now.”
You might not agree with this statement. You may be thinking, “What does she mean by that? What about goals, the future the past?” I don’t really want to keep on this path of where my thoughts are going. I would rather write for a moment about nothing really.
What I want to tell you is this: I have learned through the last years that receiving one dream come true can destroy other tiny dreams. Sometimes we wish for what we want, we want it all of our lives and then when we attain that goal or dream, the rest dissolves like the foamy waters across the sand. Life cannot always squeeze in each of our dearly needed things. There is a taking and a giving, a time for what we need and don’t, and a time to grieve for what we lost along the way, or decided we it wasn’t what we needed to full-fill our overall destination.
Like for example, I am recently married. You know people always think, “Oh you married, next come the babies.” Well, if that is what R wants, then we’ll go for that.” However, I am at a point where I am just content with NOW. I have a beautiful ten year old son.
Life is beautiful. I have a feeling R will want to start a family in the next two years, so that is probably what will happen. No rush though. Why did I bring that up? I guess I realized through the past that what we always thought we wanted and needed is not necessarily the desired outcome of the picture. Not going to explain that, and yes I write in fragmented sentences on occasion because I like the way the read on paper.
It’s Saturday and here I am in my jammies finally doing again what I loved to do: just blogging a bunch of ‘nothingness’. Never under estimate those moments that feel dull and round and boring. They are sometimes the best of all because the leave room for…..thought, pondering, and self reflection. Machel Penn

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